Content warning: This first-person story with Allison Holker includes discussions of trauma and suicide.
But you will feel love again.
But14 months agomy whole life was flipped upside down.
DBIV Photography
You feel like everythings taken from you.
You sit in this weird pocket of life, asking yourself, What is all this?
I didnt know what was happening in the moment, let alone what would happen in my future.
I had never seen a therapist before this.
But what I learned is that its important for people to just do something.
Just make a choice and do something, because it will always be seen by someone that cares.
And it always meant something.
For instance, my oldest brother made me and the kids breakfast every morning.
He didnt ask if we were hungry, didnt ask what we wanted.
He just made breakfast every morning.
My other brother built an entire playground with swings and a slide.
But it was so important for my kids to have that.
Ive hadthis routine for years.
I love hair and makeup, so taking the time to do it makes me feel better about myself.
And talking to myself for 15 minutes straight, saying those affirmations, really helped me show up.
Having those healthy habits is a big reason Ive been able to get this far.
One of those affirmations is that Ill always show up, and Im capable of it.
Its what I tell my kids every single day.
Its the only thing Im in control of.
My children hadn’t really seen me be vulnerable.
But theres something so beautiful about being vulnerable, even when youre in public spaces.
Im learning that now.
On the flip side, its equally important to show youre healing.
But then immediately, both of us stopped and started crying because we felt so bad for laughing.
We didnt know if it was appropriate.
I asked, Is this okay that Im laughing with you?
And she was like, I dont know.
And then she asked me if it was okay.
And now I get to be a judge.
They helped me rediscover, in a new capacity, that love of dance Ive always had.
Theyve helped me realize its okay to get back to work, which I love.
They made me feel its okay to sit on a new side of dance.
Ive always judged dance, but never on this level.
So they resurfaced this new energy in me, and I’m so grateful.
But really,SYTYCDhas been a home for me and a security blanket my whole life.
And its doing it again.
Plus, I love that my kids get to see me working.
But I also dont need my kids to think that I have it all together.
Its complicated, but we work through the complications.
I also tell myself that every seasonwhether its good or badhas an expiration date.
And if it’s possible for you to just get past those hard moments, youll find yourself.
Plus, even the gray area is beautiful.
I knew my purpose growing up was always to be a beacon of love and joy through dance.
Now its much different.
Now its much deeper and means so much more, but its the same purpose.
Now I can use my words as well.
I dont need to mask the fact this has been hard, but were okay.
And theres still so much to live for and so much to be experienced.
Im doing it.Weredoing it.
This story has been edited for length and clarity.
