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The financial expectations that come with being a present-day bridesmaid are, to be blunt, psychotic.
I have to buy the hideous dress Ill never wear again in the color you choose?
I have to book the tickets to Vegas becauseyouwant to drink mimosas a million miles from home?
Photography By Hannah Whitaker
I have some news for you, my friend: You should be picking up the tab.
My friendship and kind heart does not mean Im required to subsidize bringing your mood board to life.
I should not be expected to buy into your wedding and get nothing in return.
Factor in inflation, and thats closer to $1,500 to $2,300 today.
Again, this is psychotic.
So what should we do?
We need to learn to say no or at least say yes with conditions.
Read and learn, friends.
Glamour: Being a bridesmaid these days feels like an investment in which you get nothing in return.
Its not just a dress and a cute little brunch.
Michelle Singletary:No.
Its vital that people understand that, particularly young adults, and particularly women.
And young adults often get married in their late 20s and early 30sthats just the beginning of peoples careers.
I want to give women permission to say, I cant.
I cant go to this destination wedding because I just cant afford it, and I hope you understand.
When you get back, I would love to get together to celebrate your marriage.
Being a bridesmaid can be joyful.
It can also be the unpaid internship of friendship.
Do you think its uncouth to ask the bride-to-be to lay out the financial obligation up front?
Women have to empower themselves to ask that money question and not be embarrassed about it.
If you go buy a car, you say, How much does that cost?
Even with college, you know how much it will be before you attend.
But when it comes to weddings and parties, its like, Oh, I cant ask.
And ask everything: Okay, so whats involved in me being a bridesmaid?
Whats your expectation of me?
How much is the dress, do you anticipate?
Thats a lot of money and a lot of time.
And then they want to have a bachelorette party.
Not just a party, but to go away for a weekend, and thats hotels and sometimes airfare.
And then theres a rehearsal dinner, which sometimes youre expected to contribute to as well.
And then sometimes they have something after the wedding, before the couple takes off for the honeymoon.
No, thats a lot of my time and my money.
I love you, but no.
You have to take back your financial power.
Why are people so funny about money with friends and family?
We equate forgetting our budget or giving the biggest gift with saying I love you.
People can show up with the most expensive gift and care not a whit about you.
Its the totality of your relationship that mattersare they there in the moments that you need them?
Are they there when you want to laugh?
Are they there when you want to cry?
Things that dont cost any money.
What happens when the demands spiral out of control?
It can be uncomfortable to say noafteryouve committed, especially when others are on board.
How can we do this?
I would suggest you reach out to someone else in your life thats the bulldog.
Im the bulldog in my family so if people have trouble speaking up, theyll come to me.
Even my kids do this.
Ill either intervene or Ill give them the script.
Also, you cant be afraid to use your budget as the bad guy or gal.
Its hard to argue when someone says, Its not in my budget.
Whats the comeback to that?
Oh, forget your budget, forget your money.
So when you say its not in my budget, to me thats a stop right there.
You cant spend other peoples money.
you’re able to afford a weekend away.
And the girl was like, I really cant.
But oofif that were me, we would have some candid conversations.
You cannot tell people what they can afford.
You dont know what peoples financial situation is behind closed doors.
Someone making six figures could be broke and someone making $20,000 could have money in the bank.
You cant assume to know, and trust meIve seen a lot of peoples budgets behind closed doors.
So the moment someone says, Oh, come on.
And you have to throw your shoulders back and say that and mean it, and its so hard.
I do not want to hear another bride or another bride or couple say, This is my day.
It irritates me to no end.
Its so disingenuous to say, This is my day, so I get to do whatever I want.
I get to be mean to people.
I get to be demanding because this is my day.
If its your day, go get married by yourself.
Or pay for everything you want others to do.
I think more of us need to say that and push back on that.
Im not flying to Cancun and using all my vacation for your wedding when I only have two weeks.
When people say Its my day, I just roll my eyes.
When we planned the reception, we planned it in a place that people could get to.
We planned it in a place where people could park and not pay a lot of money.
We thought of that.
I could have said, I want to have it in the middle of Manhattan where theres no parking.
Yall figure it out.
No, we thought about the people we wanted to be there to witness this event.
So stop saying, Its my day.
Its selfish, its self-centered, and its egotistical and its incorrect.
Because you save for other things, right?
You save for homes and education.
Do you think its logical to budget ahead of time for other peoples weddings?
Its about adulthood, and adulthood is about making decisions and owning your decisions.
And if youre okay with that, well, you do what you do.
I wouldnt do it, but I understand if you feel the pressure to do it.
I really believe in empowering women to live their financial truth.
So many women lack the confidence to just say no and not care what anyone else thinks.
How can they learn to find their voice?
And so what I usually tell them is Try as best you could to think in terms of years.
None of my kids have student-loan debt because my husband and I said no to things.
Of course Ive done things with friends.
You may miss some milestones, but there are going to be others.
Remember, you get to chose your friends, which is so cool.
So I say, It was great, but Im moving on.
This interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.
