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You’re here because you’re wondering, What does demisexual mean?
Design by Channing Smith
But demisexuality is widely misunderstood and frequently oversimplified.
To make things more complicated, it can be defined in a variety of ways depending on the person.
Below, find expert-backed answers to the internet’s most-asked questions about demisexuality.
What is demisexuality?
So what is demisexual?
Basically, it means you want to get down only if you feel emotionally attracted to someone.
This identity is considered part of theace spectrumbecause asexuality falls on a vast continuum of different makeups.
Yes, there is an actual, defined sexual orientation for people who exclusively have sex with feelings.
If you identify as a demisexual, theres a good chance youre not down for casual sex.
This means a one-night stand or casual sex experience is likely not for you.
Otherwise, you arent going to have an orgasm or enjoy the experience.
Meaning, first comes feelings andthenthe sexual spark.
Demisexual traits, for the most part, are more about emotional intimacy than sex in general.
If youre demisexual, establishing an emotional bond is necessary for feelings of sexual attraction and desire to develop.
They don’t necessarily have that initial spark.
But rather, they get to know people, and then feelings of sexual attraction may start to develop.
The idea is just, Icouldbe attracted to a person based off the intimacy and connection that forms there.
Typically, people just say, I’m demisexual, and I have a preference for men.
Or, I’m demisexual, but when I am attracted to people, it’s usually only women.
Does demisexual mean attracted to someone that is close to you?
The DRC also casts a wide net for how these emotional bonds can form.
Sexuallibido, identities, and the labels that manifest therein can be difficult to navigate or fit into properly.
Now, of course, we don’t know what those first couple of hangouts look like.
The emotional bond can accumulate through situations that aren’t necessarily sexual.
But forming an emotional bond doesn’t guarantee sexual attraction will eventually emerge.
The bond is a prerequisite, not a promise.
What is the difference between asexual and demisexual?
The opposite of asexual is allosexual, meaning you regularly experience sexual attraction to other people.
An allosexual person might watch a movie and immediately find one of the characters sexy.
That kind of response doesn’t necessarily happen for people who are demisexual.
And it happens rarely, if ever, for someone who identifies as asexual.
But the added context of the character arc would be critical for sexy feelings to occur.
What is the difference between graysexual and demisexual?
On the spectrum of sexual desire, asexual and allosexual represent the two extremes.
Because when it does happen, it feels like the exception to the rule as opposed to the norm.
Which means that, yes, you’re able to be both gray ace and demisexual.
It’s totally possible to identify with more than one ace spectrum sexuality at the same time.
It only have a couple of times in my life.
How can someone be demisexual?
Beyond this, pop culture doesnt have many explicit examples of demisexuality.
It’d be amazing to see demisexuality represented on the next season of a show likeSex EducationorBig Mouth.
Especially because those who identify as demisexual can often feel misunderstood or shamed.
Just because society has overhyped hookup culture doesnt mean its the right way to have sex.
Its perfectly normal and fine if someone needs a connection for feel frisky.
We can have feelings of sexual attraction for people we dont even know.
Instead, what matters is the emotional bond the demisexual person feels.
You generally cannot unlock sexual desire without emotional connection.
How do you know whether youre demisexual?
There’s a lot of compulsive heterosexual conditioning in our society, Dr. Sutker says.
So people genuinely sometimes have a very hard time determining, How do I feel in general?
How do I feel about this person?
It can get really confusing inside.f
If you’re thinking this sounds like you, you’re not alone.
Take some time to consider what it is you find attractive in someone you’ve felt a connect to.
What were the components of that attraction?
What was the history of those feelings?
Rowett suggests starting with some reading books likeCome as You Areby Emily Nagoski orMind the Gapby Dr. Karen Gurney.
Once you understand the terminology, start to get curious about yourself as a sexual being.
Or you could try keepinga sex journal to better understand what drives you.
It came out of the blue.
I didn’t even think they were hot when I first met them.
How do you know whether youre demiromantic?
Intuitively, many of us can discern the difference between romantic feelings and sexual feelings.
Sexuality speaks more to feelings of chemistry, attraction, and sexual interest.
Demisexual is a sexual orientation that speaks to sexual attraction with time.
Anyone of any gender could be someone you feel that sense of romantic bond and partnership with.
you’re able to be both demisexual and demiromantic.
Or demisexual and heteroromantic.
Or demisexual and biromantic.
Or bisexual and panromantic.
That’s such a tough distinction, Dr. Sutker says.
I want to marry this person.
What is it called when you are mentally attracted to someone?
For someone who identifies as sapiosexual, sexual attraction is about somebody’s intellect or way of thinking.
This could be conventional intelligence or simply the intriguing and insightful way their mind works.
And that then creates feelings of sexual attraction.
Unlike demisexuality, an emotional bond doesn’t have to develop for a sapiosexual person to experience attraction.
Sapiosexual attraction could coalesce within moments of meeting someone, whereas attraction generally takes longer for demisexual people.
Rather, it is more about whether someone finds your way of thinking insightful, intriguing, and arousing.
So what is demisexual?
There is no hierarchy of sexual preference.
