Among the relicsof 2024s chaos was a phenomenon as absurd as it was telling:celebrity look-alike competitions.
Naturally, the Black community put its own spin on it.
Forget singling out one manenter Brooklyns Black Heartthrob Look-Alike Competition.
Illustration & Animation by Channing Smith
The unspoken ask was clear: All the fine Black men, just stand up.
For single women like me, this wasnt mere entertainment.
Six men showed up.
How do I know?
And of those, only two were actually single.
Sure, were supposed to applaud the effort, but lets be realit was bleak.
This question isnt new.
Nearly half of us48%have never been married at all.
Back in 2009 and 2010, ABCsNightlinesparked a firestormwith twoepisodesdissecting Black womens so-called struggles to find a man.
More than a decade later, that part hasnt changed.
Whats changed is us.
We know our worth because we built it, brick by brick.
Were not begging for love; now we are demanding it rise to meet us.
At 30, I have no patience for mental gymnastics or existential dating crises.
But that doesnt mean weve stoppedcraving connection.
When my two-year relationship ended in 2024, I didnt crumble.
I stepped back into dating with clarity and an unshakable belief that I deserved better.
I was hopeful, even excited.
It felt like the look-alike competition all over again: brimming with promise, but delivering zero follow-through.
And it wasnt just about the men who showed upit was about the ones who didnt.
My most recent Hinge experience was a case in point.
Enough shared interests to make me think, This might actually go somewhere.
At first things seemed promising.
The vibe had shifted from Were meeting to Are we, though?
And then, instead of confirming, Elijah hit me with a full-on confessional.
At 30, I have no patience for mental gymnastics or existential dating crises.
Subtext: Are you canceling before weve even met?
Elijah tried to reassure me, I just dont want you to feel like Im giving minimum effort.
But his actions said otherwise.
The energy I want from a man comes without disclaimers, without doubts, and certainly without hesitation.
So we wished each other well and closed the chapter before it had even begun.
Different faces, identical archetypes, and all roads lead to the same dead end.
But its not just me and my friends.
One talks you in circles; the other expects you to meet him exactly where he stands.
Both demand emotional labor theyd never offer in return, neither considering they might be the problem.
And lets not forget, 9 times out of 10, hes the one who approached you.
Ive met every version of these guys, and trust me, its exhausting.
Dating burnout is not our fault.
Theres nothing wrong with you, he explains.
What feels personal is often structural.
And its shaped by what he describes as the market conditions.
The divide, he says, grows even bigger when it comes to starting conversations.
But its Whites now viral advice to Black single women that has caused the most controversy.
Dating apps prioritize optimal matches for white women.
We strive to create an inclusive dating environment for all.
My friends have tried what White suggestsand they say theyve seen the difference.
But theres a reason I havent.
For me, it goes beyond shared traditions or the ease of speaking the same language at family dinners.
Its about a love that feels rooted, like home.
Its about building a legacy in which my children wont just know their culture, theyll embody it.
I know Im not alone in this.
For many, its about a bond that feels undeniablea layered connection thats emotional, cultural, and physical.
But why does it feel so hard for Black women to find the love were craving?
Theres no in-between, no gradual easing into the complexities of love and partnership.
But even as we navigate the internal pressures, the external forces loom larger.
The world stacks the deck against us, and yet were still asked to play the game.
Success comes with its own complicationschief among them a narrowing pool of equally accomplished partners.
The options are endless, and staying within the community often feels optional.
In contrast to Black women, aquarter of Black menmarry outside their race.
When you do, you increase your chances by seven times.
Im going to keep screaming it from the rooftops.
His advice isnt about giving up on Black men but about expanding what love can look like.
Its a call to prioritize joy and connection over allegiance to a tradition that often feels one-sided.
Ive seen too many Black women thrive in interracial marriages to dismiss it entirely.
Im open to the possibility, but for me, the path forward isnt about chasing.
Its sharp, uncompromising, and long overdue.
Im done with charmers whose intentions dissolve as quickly as their compliments.
Im walking away from egos that demand more than theyre willing to give.
This week, a guy told me I should feelluckyto have met him.
Im saying yes to consistency, no to confusion.
Yes to love that shows up and stays, no to love that feels like a negotiation.
To make your heart your divine responsibility.
Those words have been my North Star.
Im done outsourcing my worth.
Im reclaiming my heart as mine to nurture, mine to protect, and mine to honor.
Because the question was never Why arent we enough?
Its Why did we ever think we had to ask?
So Ive stopped swiping.
Stopped settling for crumbs when Ive been the feast all along.
Theyre just misplaced ambitiona mirror reflecting where I need to redirect my energy.
And to Black men: We see you.
Weve carried you in our prayers, protests, and poems.
But now we need you to seeusto meet us fully, with consistency, accountability, and care.
The systems werent built for us, yet here we arestill standing, still shining.
But we dont have to keep playing by their rules.
Love isnt a game.
Its a choicea sacred, deliberate act of showing up.
And were done settling for anything less than love that feels like partnership, freedom, and home.
