I know I do.
Seven years out from my transition, I still feel anxiety about things as mundane as taking a photo.
Let me edit myself first, I insisted.
Photo of Zaya Perysian by@denisebeautyart
Her reaction was consistent with how most cis people have a go at sympathize with my insecurities.
What do you mean?
You always look great, she said.
Youre the most beautiful girl I know!
Yes, everyone gets insecure about the way they lookits a universal experience regardless of gender identity.
But thats not what Im speaking to.
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But the team already had their own ideas.
I realized that this photo shoot required unconditional surrender of my physical appearance.
I dropped my lip liner and smiled through the gender dysphoria brewing in my stomach.
The final images appeared in my email inbox months later.
My lips looked thin and I swear my ribcage looked wider than it did in real life.
I showed them to my family and friends, anticipating an overcompensation of compliments.
To them, I looked beautiful.
But it wasntmyversion of beautiful.
Facetune became even more key to my gender identity when I started to pursue feminization surgery.
Two years ago I walked into a medical aesthetics clinic to getlip fillerfor the first time.
I spent years augmenting my lips on Facetune and showed my injection nurse the edited photos for reference.
The app let me experiment with physical feminization before I pursued it medically.
I want to see myself in my most feminine light.
I wanted long hair but didnt know how to properly achieve the look.
I used the smooth tool to disguise my lace front.
I also experimented with wigs to help with my gender dysphoria.
Facetune was the only way to go until my hair grew long enough to blend withextensions.
Despite this, Facetune and similar apps havecome under firefrom cisgender celebrities who are against photo editing.
But for many trans people, Facetune is a means of translating our internal feelings into a tangible reality.
I want to see myself in my most feminine light.
you might use photo editing as an artistic medium to express yourself, like with any other medium.
Right now, access to life-saving medical care is under brutal attack.
As of March 2023,146,000 trans kidshave lost, or are at risk of losing, access to gender-affirming care.
Its the largest political onslaught the trans community has ever faced.
I recently met up with my friend again and found myself experiencing another moment of gender dysphoria.
This time, I sat her down and told her everything I felt.
To my relief, she completely understood.
Im never going to be in your shoes, she told me.
But Im here to hold your hand as you walk in them.
