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If breaking up with someone were easy, I wouldnt be writing this article.
Courtesy of HBO/Sex and the City
Unfortunately, theres no such thing as the perfect breakup.
1. see to it you actually want to break up.
Before you break up with your partner, ensure that you actually want to end the relationship.
If youre having doubts and concerns about your relationship, its important to share that with your partnerbeforea breakup.
The healthier (and kinder) option?
Share doubts and concerns about your incompatibility.
In some cases, the relationship can even be saved by this jot down of honesty, Hendrix says.
That is passive-aggressive and perhaps even manipulative, Hendrix says, and certainly not part of a healthy relationship.
Give the conversation some thought.
Planning in advance can also help you evaluate the tone with which youre delivering the message.
That said, dont make a run at craft the perfect scriptit doesnt exist.
Its natural to want to say all the right things so that your soon-to-be ex partner doesnt feel sad.
But thats inevitable, says Hendrix.
You cant avoid it, she says.
At some point its good enough, and you just gotta say it.
As you plan, put yourself in your partners shoes.
But a little empathy can save you trouble down the road.
Recalling those feelings beforehand would be beneficial in managing your message.
Acknowledge that you wont be able to control their reaction.
Remind yourself that its completely okay to break up.
Remind yourself that its okay to leave a relationship that isnt working for you, says Hendrix.
Its a self-honoring choice that youre making because you dont see a future together.
Do your mental health a favor and remind yourself that not every relationship is going to be right.
That doesnt make your partner a bad person or necessarily mean they did anything wrong.
Deliver the news face-to-face.
(In short,dont be a Bergerand leave a Im sorry, I cant Post-it.)
While their feelings are important, however, your safety ultimately comes first.
Pick an appropriate setting.
Porter suggests avoiding public places altogether, unless youre concerned about safety.
Again, this only applies ifyoufeel safe.
When were drinking, we’re not totally present, says Hendrix.
Accept that its probably going to be painful.
It can help to anticipate this pain while also reminding yourself that its not your fault.
Give your partner the dignity of being on their own path, says Hendrix.
Your goal is to share the information but not to go into over-responsibility for how they feel.
When communicating your message, deliver it from your point of view without blaming or accusing.
A less direct approach may seem kinder in the momentbut trust, its not.
Its really helpful to be specific, says Stratyner.
We dont want to attack somebodys character, but we do want to be specific about our feelings.
Thats where those I statements come in.
But you do want to use empathy there.
Think about if you were the one being broken up withwhat would you want to hear somebody say?
But dont delve into the details.
Avoid listing out the Rolodex of reasons why the relationship isnt a good fit for you.
In general, you should reiterate the overall sentiment that you just dont think youre a good fit.
Keep the focus on the relationship.
Address the breakup as a problem in the relationship rather than any shortcomings in your partner, says Porter.
Relationships always take two, so acknowledge your role in it not working out.
You may not like what you hear, he says.
Consider what your partners needs are at that moment and be prepared to address them and act accordingly.
Plan for a number of reactions.
If they get angry.Understand that comes with the territory, says Porter.
Both Porter and Hendrix suggest validating their feelings.
you could say something like, I get that youre angry; you have every right to be angry.
This may help diffuse the tension slightly, says Hendrix.
At the same time, stay calm and dont rise to meet their anger with your anger.
It can also help to ask, Are you okay to keep talking?
Do you want to take a break and talk again in a few minutes?
While you cant control your exs reaction to the breakup, you could manage yours.
And then give them a chance to discuss the breakup.
One thing Xu has done in her own breakups is to give someone’s secrets back.
When you are in a relationship, youre vulnerable and share a lot of things, she explains.
Reassure the other person that whatever theyve told you stays with you.
Thats the ultimate sign of respect.
Dont leave things open-ended.
Dont be their sole support system.
Share a few positive sentiments.
These thoughts could be well-placed when the conversation is wrapping up.
Express appreciation, and express regret that things didnt work out.
Or would it be okay if that happened?
Give each other space.
Different relationships are going to have different circumstances, of course.
Many people feel very ambivalent when theyre going through a breakup.
Check in with yourself.
After the conversation, do a mini debrief with yourself, suggests Hendrix.
Ask: How was that for me?
How do I feel right now?
Then remind yourself that theres nothing wrong with breaking up with somebody.
You may feel bad right now, but know that the feeling is temporary.
Also, acknowledge the fact that you just did something really hard.
As you work through tough emotions, be really gentle with yourself and practice self-care.
Do nice things for yourself: go to a movie, take a nap, cook a healthy meal.
