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Wondering how to get over someone is a universal experienceso then why does it feel so isolating?
Design by Channing Smith
On a scale of 1 to torturous, getting your heart broken is a solid absolutely awful.
Understanding how your mind worksand how to work it bettercan be helpful after breaking up.
It is just the dark side to our life-affirming ability to form loving, intimate connections.
Wise and other experts share advice for how to get over someone.
Why am I struggling to get over someone?
(See:Taylor Swifts Mr.
So who hurts more after a breakup, really?
How can I stop thinking about my ex?
Can you turn emotions off?
Unfortunately, DeAlto says, turning off your emotions is not possible.
Its what makes us human, she says.
Our emotions need to be felt and processed to move through them.
Heres what you’re free to do instead.
Its a shock to your system.
With loss come five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Youre going to go through those in your own way, in your own time, says Hendrix.
And during the process, validate your feelings by saying things like Why wouldnt I feel like way?
and Of course Im experiencing this emotion.
So if you feel sad, let yourself wallow for a certain amount of timesay, an hour.
But when those 60 minutes are up, stop and move on to something else.
Its important to keep up with self-care.
Keep things that historically bring you joy, like exercise or hobbies, in your daily routine.
What are the stages of letting go?
The stages of letting go include grieving, acceptance, and healing, says DeAlto.
I was once engaged and had to go through the whole grieving process, he says.
Therehasto be a grieving period.
I didnt give myself permission to grieve.
Dr. Stratyner says her first recommendation to clients experiencing a breakup is to give themselves time.
I think people want to feel much better much sooner than they should typically expect, she says.
Its going to take a little bit of time.
Its normal, she says, to mourn what could have been when a relationship ends.
That can be really painful, and its also a form of rejection potentially.
So its important to give yourself some time and allow yourself to feel your feelings.
Grieve it, feel sad, says Durell.
If youre able to cry, cry about it.
Im a big fan of advocating for emotional expression.
We want you to release that.
Its the wish of what could be and the rejection of what came to pass, Dr. Stratyner says.
You still have to give yourself some time and honor those feelings.
You may also question yourself.
We can be invalidating of ourselves, she explains.
Nothing even happened here, so why am I feeling this way?
Its not useful to judge yourself for having feelings.
Dr. Stratyner compares it to quicksand: The more you judge yourself, the deeper in you go.
So be patient with yourself.
How can I accept that someone doesnt want to be with me?
Acceptance happens when you recognize that we can never control the desires or actions of another, says DeAlto.
Even when it doesnt make sense, and even when it hurts.
Below are some expert tips on how to deal with unrequited love and reach those acceptance and healing stages.
It is essential to go no contact and become very aware of our thoughts, says DeAlto.
Do not allow your brain to wander or wallow.
Redirect thoughts and actions.
When your partner is no longer there, you start to crave those feel-good hormones, she explains.
(Thats why Mend promotes a 60-day ex detox.)
Cutting off all contact in the beginning is healthy, agrees Hendrix.
It allows you to break your attachment to your former partner.
That said, theres no hard-and-fast rule about contacting your ex, she says.
Brief, occasional communicationlike, Hey, could we talk for a few minutes?
Im having a hard time with thiscould be okay.
Just be cautious that those innocent check-ins dont become a habit.
Let yourself feel all the feelings.
Is it unfollowing them, or is it getting rid of some memorabilia that you have around the house?
Opening up to others may bring catharsis in return.
It changed my life to be vulnerable and be witnessed in my grief.
Durell says a physical reset is all just part of the grieving process.
When something traumatic happens to an animal, what do they do?
Our way of resetting as human is grieving.
We can shake, which is an amazing exercise, but its still part of the grieving process.
We have to have an official ending so we can have a new beginning.
Grief is experienced in the body, says Dr. She suggests yoga to help your body release those emotions.
Wise, breath worka big part of yoga and meditation practicescan help calm the activation of that system.
A common response if youregret breaking upa romantic relationship is to idealize the other person, says Hendrix.
So I personally like getting it out by writing a letter to my ex.
DO NOT SEND THE LETTER.
Once you finish the letter, she says, ask yourself, Whats next?
How do I regain the things that I used to love?
How do I regain my sense of self?
All experts agree that taking care of yourself in the midst of heartbreak is key.
Check in with yourself throughout the day, says Hendrix, and ask, What do I need?
Exercise, nutrition, and proper sleep will raise the floor on how bad you feel, he adds.
Instead, situate the problem in the relationship (if not in your partner), he says.
Will I ever find love again?
These kinds of myths make it really hard to recover.
Realize that the breakup is likely going to cause voids in your life.
Say you and your ex always went to the movies every Friday, says Hendrix.
Durell recommends filling that time with self-care and healthy habits specifically.
Time does heal, he says.
The sting, you might still remember it, but it will go away.
So fill your time until then with healthy habits.
Now that youre single, give yourself permission to reconnect with that interest and also explore new hobbies.
But Hendrix warns againstdating too soon after heartbreak.
At the same time, reentering the dating scene could provide a healthy confidence boost for your bruised ego.
Just be honest with yourselfand the people youre datingabout where youre at emotionally, she says.
If youre not fully over your ex and simply looking for a fun fling, say so.
You dont have to jump back into dating, Stratyner says.
But seek out experiences in your free time that remind you of all your positive qualities.
Spend time with friends and loved ones, or people who make you feel good about yourself she suggests.
Do things that you feel proud of, or that remind you of the qualities you value within yourself.
Whatever makes you special, do more of that.
In the long run, the breakup shouldnt taint the whole relationship, says Dr. Porter.
Can you be friends with someone you still love?
It is extremely difficult to be friends with someone you are in love with, DeAlto says.
But if you have love for them, you might still befriendly.
What if I can never move on?
And how long is too long to get over someone?
But know that, with time, the pain numbs.
And with new experiences, there is new hope.
Okay, but how long does it take to get over someone, really?
Durell says youll inherently know when youre ready to let go.
There comes a point when youll feel it, he says.
When its like, Okay, time to pick myself up.
My worth doesnt come from this person who left me.
My worth comes from howIfeel about myself.
Dont equate the time of healing with the time of your relationship, says Hendrix.
Even almost relationships can cause enormous heartbreak, says Huerta.
A lot of times people are like, Well, I was only with them for six months.
Why am I devastated?
Your six months is like somebody elses two years.
So whatever you feel, honor that.
If your former partner couldnt explain the reason for the breakup, create your own healthy narrative.
But time does tend to heal most, if not all, wounds, he says.
