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Design by Alexandra Folino / Photo: Getty Images
Maybe its because this culture provides so few opportunities to celebrate and cherish women.
Maybe its because so many of us are taught to be polite instead of honest.
And if you do say yes, it is okay to negotiate your terms.
Photography By Hannah Whitaker
Being a bridesmaidcan be a joyful opportunity to celebrate and grow closer with a loved one.
It is also, often, a months-long part-time job in which the worker pays money to participate.
Being in a wedding party is the unpaid internship of friendship.
Design by Alexandra Folino / Photo: Getty Images
It is a group-dinner credit card split that lasts an entire year.
That girl is a good friend, yes.
But she is also working.
Design by Alexandra Folino / Photo: Getty Images
And it is okay to turn down a job offer.
Can you say no to being a bridesmaid?
you’ve got the option to say no, says Sarah Aynesworth, anetiquette educatorbased in Texas.
Design by Alexandra Folino / Photo: Getty Images
Before respecting anyone, you have to respect yourself, and set your boundaries.
Having nice manners doesnt mean you are a doormat, she says.
Julie Gurner, anexecutive performance coach, has turned down a friends request to be a bridesmaid.
Gurner, who runs her own business, knew that she could not commit to numerous prewedding events.
Change the POV from being embarrassed and upset to being empowered and straightforward, she says.
Dont even think about texting this.
I would definitely never have this over an email, says Aynesworth.
Also, dont delay.
Say no quickly if its an automatic no, adds Aynesworth.
see to it that they have enough time to ask someone else.
Start by being grateful for the opportunity.
Dont beat around the bush.
End with a joke, she says.
you could borrow her explanation: Im doing this because I love you.
I would resent you if I said yes and then was super stressed about money.
Then reassure the bride or groom.
Sacks suggests, Lets just find a different way for me to be part of your big day.
Aynesworth offers the phrasing, What can I do on a lesser scale to still be involved?
Its not what you say; its how you say it, Aynesworth says.
Plain, hard truth is such a hard thing to swallow sometimes.
Gurner took that tack with her friend.
She made her care for her friend clear while making her limits clear too.
The first thing is really just knowing your number, says Sacks.
Be super clear about that going into it.
Youre not obligated to share your whole financial history.
Dont overexplain, says Sacks.
How should the bride respond?
A real friend will listen to you and accept, not expect, says Aynesworth.
Sacks agrees: Your relationship should be strong enough to withstand this boundary.
Can brides do anything to avoid these difficult situations?
A gracious bride would be up-front and communicate obligations, says Aynesworth.
Sacks recommends considering what really has value for you.
Like, Okay, maybe I dont need another tote bag with my name on it.
