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Thats because dirty talk stimulates our most important sexual organ: the human brain.
Design by Channing Smith
We are socialized to experience pleasure silently, says sex educatorAshley Manta.
What are some ways to talk dirty?
you could talk dirty to yourself when youre alone.
you’re able to do it with a long-term lover or aone-night stand.
you’re able to talk dirty via text message, phone call, or FaceTime.
you’re able to do it beforesex as foreplayor post-sex as aftercare.
Sometimes the buildup is the best part.
How do I start?
you might say something very simple, like, Does that feel good?
That does a double function of creating dirty talk while allowing you to get feedback or give feedback.
Example:It feels so good when you…
Manta wasnt always an expert-level dirty talker.
She cut her teeth working as aphone sexoperator for a year.
You have to practice, she says.
There is no getting around it.
No amount of reading erotica or watching porn is going to give you these skills.
Ive been sexting with people all over the world with not a lot of preamble, she says.
Its kind of like, What are you into?
Ready, set, go.
Example:I had a dirty thought last night….
This also helps to clear up whether what you both do or say going forward has enthusiastic consent.
Example:I like to say, Give me your cheat codes, Manta says.
Ask your partner, Are you more into physical compliments, or do you prefer something more conceptual?
As in, The thought of you turns me on versus I love your cock?
Tell me how to win with you.
Some of the best inspiration for dirty talk during sex can also be pulled fromerotic fiction.
You want to be conscientious, Dr. Jansen says about where you draw your inspiration from.
And again, be clear on consent.
Because it might be perceived problematically if [you say something that] wasnt cleared with your partner.
Example:I just saw something really hot.
Would you like to hear about it?
Youre welcome in advance.
Another way to find inspiration or examples of dirty talk?
Take a quiz online to learn more about your kinks or what turns you on.
There’s a quiz called theErotic Blueprint Quiz, Weiss says.
It costs $17, but it tells you exactly what turns you on, which is helpful.
But if you just Google, there are a whole bunch of free quizzes online too.
Taking one of those could be a way to figure out what kind of dirty talk you want.
How do you know what to say during sex?
Dirty talk examples dont have to include actual words to be a turn on, Manta says.
It can be noises.
it’s possible for you to just vocalize, Mmm.
Or just, Yes.
You dont have to overcomplicate it.
Eye contact helps too.
Making noise is good for your health and pleasure to boot.
From a physiological standpoint, making noise is objectively good for you.
Example:Mmm…that feels so good.
A lot of good dirty talk is about narration, Manta says.
you could keep it simple to start.
As Manta says, It takes a level of presence with self that people need practice at.
Step outside yourself by creating a character or persona to inhabit while youre learning how to talk dirty.
Creating a little bit of distance, Manta says, might make people feel safer.
Think of it as though youre developing an alter-ego or an avatar of yourself, she says.
What would they sound like?
Lets imagine a sex goddess lives inside of you.
What does she wear?
What makes her feel sexy?
What does she sound like?
What does she enjoy receiving?
What does she love to give?
What is she just so excited to do to someone elses body?
Thats the beauty of it.
You dont have to put so much pressure on yourself to just be one thing, Manta says.
Example:As Manta says, you’ve got the option to try on personas like outfits.
Ask yourself, What am I feeling tonight?
Thats just one example.
Experimenting withrole playis another way to break out of formulaic dirty talk and inspire more creativity.
Depending on your and your partners reactions, you might discover dirty things to physically explore later.
Example:it’s possible for you to just pretend, Manta says.
Maybe you have alien fantasies.
Maybe you want to fuck William Shakespeare.
you’re free to talk through it all as though its happening.
Its worth noting that some people genuinely enjoy and prefer silence during sex, and thats okay too.
Dr. Jansen has come across such cases in her practice.
Ifyouare that timid lover, ask your partner to give you direction on sexy things to say.
I want you to say, Im a good little cocksucker.
Or I want you to say, Your cock feels really good inside of me.
Theyre basically feeding me lines.
Dont worry about getting it right or hitting the mark every time with sexy talk.
In Dr. Jansens experience, how something lands often has more to do with delivery.
Dirty talk is like comedy.
If youre going to do it, you should probably commit.
Otherwise, its going to be awkward and more uncomfortable.
Interested ina kink or fetish, but not sure if you or your partner are ready togo therequite yet?
Incorporating it into your dirty talk could be a really hot.
You might learn you get super turned on just by talking about BDSM.
But again, discuss any kinky language with your partner first, otherwise it could kill the mood.
Words like slut could potentially offend somebody.
When in doubt about how to talk dirty during sex, just give your partner positive affirmations.
A kink a lot of people have is apraise kink, Weiss says.
You probably can’t go wrong with things like that.
Example:You are so sexy…
What are some things to say while sexting?
Manta herself is currently in along-distance relationship.
We do sexting, FaceTime sex, those kinds of things.
Hes not just saying, Suck my cock.
I want to taste you.
Very visceral, sensation-evoking messages.
For Manta, dirty texts build sexual tension and prolong the fun by dispersing little thrills throughout the day.
I would spend hours in this perpetual state of being very turned on, she says.
(And if you need more guidance as you learnhow to sext,Glamourhas you covered.)
Social distancing doesn’t have to kill your sex life.
What if I hit a snag during dirty talk?
What if I laugh?
What if they laugh?
What if somebody ends up laughing, and I feel humiliated?
What if I ruin the mood by laughing because it just sounds so ridiculous?
Manta says she hears anxious concerns like these all the time in the field.
Sex involves laughter, Manta says.
I love giggling and being playful.
Give yourself permission to feel silly and awkward, and know that it doesnt ruin the mood.
If anything, its going to be more of an intimate connection because you two have shared vulnerability.
Dirty talk can be romantic, then build up to something more graphic and back again.
Dont rush through it, and pull back if needed.
I want to be on you, and then were going to fuck really hard, Manta says.
The fact that you have the ability to shift the energy with pacing is something people skip over entirely.
Slow it down and say encouraging things like, Oh, youre doing so great.
That was really hot the way you said that.
It never hurts to acknowledge the awkwardness and do a quick reset.
Dont be afraid to say, Im feeling really silly about this.
As Manta advises, Youve got to bring in some I statements.
I’m feeling awkward.
Dont just sit there and marinate in your shame.
Example:Say what youre feeling out loud and then ask, Could you reassure me?
Or, Can we get up and shake it off real quick and then reset and keep going?
Own whats going on and make a request when things get awkward.
Both people need to go in assuming good intent.
Example:Mantra advises asking things like, What do you need right now?
Do we need to stop?
Do you need a glass of water?
Do you need me to apologize more formally?
What can I do to help you feel soothed in this moment?
And be okay with whatever the answer is.
Maybe the sexy part is over and you’re gonna wanna do some cleanup.
It creates a negative association thats going to make it harder for that person to take another crack.
So if youre going to give sexual critiques or corrections, Id recommend not in the bedroom.
Example:I loved when you saidthis.
Next time, itd be really hot if you didthis.
Create space outside of any sexual activity for reflection.
A lot of people dont have conversations about sex unless theyre problem-focused conversations, she says.
But some couples really weave conversations really casually about sex in and out of their lives all the time.
Its crucial to give praise and positive reinforcement as well as constructive input.
Example:During a casual moment, without any negativity, ask, Did you like when I didthis?
or say, Hey, I wanted to talk to you aboutthis.
Ive noticed youve said it for the last six years, and Id like to try something new.
Can we workshop it?
