Do I watch Carrie wear that red cowboy hat in the Hamptons for the umpteenth time?
Or recite Lexi Featherstons New York is over!
Faced with such boundless options, I left my episode choice up to fate.
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I closed my eyes and randomly picked something from HBO MaxsSex and the Citylanding page.
Of all the episodes, why did it have to be this one?
Its her death thatrather clunkilyties the episode together and provides some resonance.
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My mother passed away in August 2022.
This is the first time Ive put those words in writing since publishing her obituary.
Writing, the thing I love to do most in this world, has been impossible.
Ive started worrying Ive lost the ability to do it.
Ive just been existing since August 2022 and, in many ways, trying to forget about what happened.
Before you ask, yes, Im in therapy.
Its helping, but pop culture has always helped me understand the world too.
Even so, I had to fight the urge to pick another episode.
And unsurprisingly, I was in tears almost as soon as I hit play.
The episode is emotionalIve always thought thatbut I see it with new eyes now.
Itd be a bit strange if I didnt.
I just wish we hadnt gone home, yknow?
Im sure she knew on some level that you were with her, Carrie tells Miranda.
But I wasnt with her, Miranda says, her voice thick with tears.
This exact scenario didnt happen to me, but something similar did.
My mom was diagnosed withovarian cancerin July 2022stage 3and she didnt tell my sister or me until weeks later.
I made arrangements to fly home and be with her through chemotherapy, no matter how long it took.
In a matter of days, she passed.
Of course, I can think logically about the situation.
Thats what her oncologist told me.
Thats what everyone told me.
I know my guilt isnt warranted.
It remains, no matter how many times Carrie (or anyone) tells you otherwise.
For Miranda, this already difficult task is exacerbated when a sales associate insists shes wearing the wrong-size bra.
Shes obviously not angry at the retail worker; shes in a state of shock.
In a department store or otherwise.
The store I bought the outfit in was one my mom and I shopped at many times.
And then theres the funeral scene.
Funerals are something you dont realize are insane until youre planning one.
Now its even more affecting.
Its the moment when Miranda is walking out of the church.
Shes alone, something she jokes about multiple times beforehand.
Tears start welling up in her eyes, and she begins to quietly sob.
Before she fully breaks down, Carrie jumps from her pew and wraps her arm around her.
The straightforward interpretation of this is a friend comforting another friend in need.
Her sister is married and maybe even has kids, as does mine.
She has a new family unit.
Meanwhile, Mirandas singlealone in New York City trying to figure her shit out.
Thats the only thing Im missing.
Unfortunately, my mom didnt live to see that happen.
Im 30 years old, still single, and nowhere near close to finding a partner.
To this day those arms are still wrapped around me.
Thatswhat Carrie is saying to Miranda as she holds her after the funeral.
That she has her.
That shedoeshave a family unit.
That her mother doesnt have to worry about her being alone.
Im not, either.
That brings me comfort.
I hope it brings my mom comfort too.
Enough to rest peacefully, the way she deserves.
