But the consistent urge for a life that was far bigger than her own could no longer be ignored.
It felt like a battle crya call to all women to listen to their deepest desires.
I felt it too.
Sarah Shahi
My transformation began in December of 2019, the month before I actually becameSex/Lifes Billie Mann.
Years of frustration were coming to a head.
Years of feeling stuck and lost, swimming in an endless sea of unhappiness.
Sabrina Lantos/Netflix
I woke each day purely racing against the clock.
I came last, and I was used to it.
Doing something for myself looked like 10 uninterrupted minutes in my bathroom, picking parsley out of my teeth.
Sarah Shahi as Billie inSex/Life.
The cage-free eggs in the fridge made me jealous.
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Is this what my 13-year-old self couldn’t wait to grow up and do?
I felt buried in my own frustration.
Why was I tired all the time?
Wasnt my life meant for more?
Why is my neck pillow in my sons room?
I was my own prisoner, yet I also held the keyeven if I didnt realize it yet.
December 9, 2019.
I hadnt worked in almost a year.
What the fuck?!
I feel so seen!
The abundance of nudity aside, it was frightening to read something that felt this personal to me.
Billie had the courage to challenge all the things I had been questioning for years.
This was the jump start I had been searching for.
I walked into the audition room ready to prove that Billie Mann and I were one.
But what ensued was drastically different.
My mind went blank; I couldn’t remember the lines.
January 7, 2020.
Billie Mann was mine!
Ill never forget the scene we were filming, where I felt her coursing through my veins.
This scene had me longing for how Id felt as my own earlier self.
Lewis and Clarks expeditions couldnt cast a shadow on the adventures of my friends.
And there I was watching from the sidelines, putting lanolin on my sore breastfeeding nipples.
But that version of me is still here, buried deep under the burdens of my life.
I want to go on a girls trip.
Am I less of a mother for wanting these things?
Fully inspired by the character I was portraying, I started releasing some of that pressure inside.
As someone whos supremely uncomfortable voicing my needs, I remembered a quote I read: Speak up.
Even if your voice shakes.
So thats how I begansmallbut at least it was a start.
Can you coordinate that instead?
I felt a small sense of myself starting to return.
The girl who used to dance was dancing again!
This trickled into many areas of my life, work and personal.
I became more confident in myself as a woman, as an actress.
I spoke up, even when my voice shook.
However, nothing prepared me for the heartache of speaking these four words: I want a divorce.
But I had slammed my heart into my soul, and now I honored myself more than ever.
My voice shook more than I thought possible, but I spoke up.
This newfound bravery gave me so much ownership over who I wasit was empowering.
I was no longer escaping my truth; I was living it.
This newfound commitment to myself danced its way into all areas of my life, including the bedroom.
Women have also been shown throughout depictions in society thatdesireis a dirty word.
Sexually speaking, it was always the man being serviced.
But every human being is biologically designed to experience full sexual pleasure.
It is our birthright.
Does that end just because we have children?
It became kinky and playful and something I looked forward to and never wanted to end.
I had the full confidence in myself to speak on my likes and dislikes, without shame.
I wore lingerie with a look of mischief.
I was still servicing someone.
But now that someone wasisme.
That doesnt end just because we have children.
Our connection to an orgasm is much deeper than just the physical response.
It’s a connection to understanding who we are and the power weve held since the beginning of time.
I was unlocking the person I always meant to be.
Owning this kind of self-liberation in front of millions of people was awkward at first.
It aint no walk in the park to be physically and emotionally judged in front of the world.
But I wear it with an immense amount of pride.
Born and raised in Texas, Im a first-generation American.
Desire is the life-giving gift from the universe.
We are not going to lie down and be taken advantage of.
We are not going to stay quiet.
We are not going to accept things the way they are just because its the status quo.
We are here to live as our truest selves and do everything our souls fancy.
In the words of Maya Angelou, I come as one, but I stand as 10,000.
We are here to live out our fullest selves next to one another, and were just getting started.
