The first thing Selma Blair says is How are your spoons?
and I feel myself relax just a little.
Blair is wearing riding boots and a linen shirt, her bleached blonde bob hanging above the collar.
Dries Van Noten top from Neiman Marcus. Marc Jacobs bloomers. Calzedonia tights. Moschino boots. Ana Khouri ear cuffs and rings. Alexis Bittar earring, bracelets and ring. Jennifer Fisher earring. Jenny Bird ring.
Until now, that is.
Yes, she seems nervous.
Like Blairs, my body does not move through the world in an orderly way.
Versace dress and gloves. Ana Khouri earrings. Calzedonia tights. Marc Jacobs boots.
Both she and I live at the mercy of our bodies whims.
And we are both trying to believe our own pain, after decades of being told it wasnt real.
Blair was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2018at the age of 46.
Dries Van Noten top from Neiman Marcus. Marc Jacobs bloomers. Ana Khouri ear cuffs and rings. Alexis Bittar earring, bracelets, and ring. Jennifer Fisher earring. Jenny Bird ring. Calzedonia tights. Moschino boots.
She has been sober since 2016.
In my mind, I thought, You cant keep up with people.
This is your fault.
You are lazy, Blair tells me.
It was so much self-loathing.
The diagnosis was a revelation.
Whether the rest of us will understand what its physical manifestations can look like day-to-daythats what worries her.
Once I got really hit with the more neurological stuff, everything shifted, she says.
I spin my wheels thinking, Oh my God, Ill fall asleep in front of someone.
Burberry sweater, skirt, and tights. Tiffany earrings. Dauphin rings. Jennifer Fisher ring. Marc Jacobs shoes.
I wont do well enough.
I couldnt believe I was getting a legitimate diagnosis that other people would believe.
It was like, Oh my God, theres a receipt.
The lens of Blairs condition offers an important reframing of her early career.
The film earned her an MTV Movie Award and became a cult classic.
Yes, she is still friends with Witherspoon, who is, yes, as angelic as she seems.
Versace dress and gloves. Ana Khouri earrings. Calzedonia tights.
Shes so clean, Blair says.
I dont know how to say it.
Shes the most pristine [person].
When she sweats, Im like, What are you wearing?
Where is that scent?
Where can I buy it?
David Koma bra top. Khaite pants. Tiffany earrings. Alexis Bittar bracelets. Ana Khori rings. Jenny Bird ring. Falke tights.
This should have been, in many ways, the beginning of Blairs ascent.
Ive never been seeking the light, she says.
I always turn away from it when I know the light is what will make me shine.
During the following four years, Blair kept working, mostly in supporting roles.
She and his father, designer Jason Bleick, split after his birth.
She is careful, talking about this period, but she is also frank.
It was a shattering time.
The MS flared very obviously, when I was in labor, she says.
And so the moment Arthur was born, I went from this kind of blissful pregnancy to utter devastation.
Chanel jumpsuit. Chanel earrings. Ana Khouri ear cuffs. Alexis Bittar ring and bracelet.
Blair didnt know how she would get through a single day, let alone the months ahead.
Everything was too overwhelming, she says now.
I couldnt be in a relationship.
There was nothing I could do except be a mother.
And I was brutally tired and I didnt have a support system.
I didnt know how to set one up.
She still identifies as a long-time loner, an identity she traces back to being a sick kid.
You get used to kind of having your schedule and it doesnt jibe with people, she says.
So even though Im sociable and friendly, Im alone for everything.
I cannot drive a car.
I cannot see.
Im bumping into things.
Im dragging my legs.
Some chalked it up to stretched tendons from labor.
Others suspected postpartum depression, which Blair is adamant she didnt have.
What she did know was that she was broken down and jobless.
I was totally out of the workforce, and I couldnt earn money, she says.
Eventually she called her manager and said, We have to get me a job.
But the work was sporadic and her physical agony was acute.
I was forcing myself on a plane, and I was getting vertigo, she says.
I would wake up, and I couldnt move.
It was a very hard time in my life, she continues.
But it was the catalyst to become who I am now.
In a sense, 2018 was an end and a beginning.
No wonder its just now that shes started to find her light.
She spent the next few years filming the documentaryIntroducing, Selma Blair, which was released in 2021.
She has been crying.
Her eyes are red, and her voice is thick from crying.
I was told to make plans for this, she says.
Living in a sick body intrinsically requires a high level of exposure.
For Blair, as an enduring celebrity, that experience is heightened.
I cant help but wonder whether she ever wishes shed kept it to herself.
Does she wish she hadnt?
No, Blair says.
Because I already was disabled and didnt have a word for it.
Instead, she is pursuing unshrinking honesty.
Even whenespecially whenit forces her to confront peoples biases and the ableism she is still unlearning in herself.
Does she lookenoughlike a sick person, she sometimes wonders?
She shouldnt carry a coffee while walking that dog!
If she can carry a coffee, she shouldnt have a service dog!
I just have to think, What can I do, so this can happen less to other people?
Its been five years since Blair first shared her diagnosis, an announcement she made on Instagram.
Five months later she walked the red carpet of theVanity FairOscars party, wearing a chiffon gown.
I deserve to have a good time and try.
Make no mistake:Mean Babyisnt an epilogue.
There is still so much Blair wants to do.
Shed like to date again, for starterssomething she hasnt done since she was diagnosed.
I had a bad relationship, she says, by way of partial explanation.
She isnt necessarily surprised that she put up with it, but it does make her sad.
I was convinced thats what I deserved, she says.
When youre in a rough spot, you might meet some opportunistic people.
She has just started to feel ready for romantic possibility, but she knows the obstacles.
I think thedisabilityword, because I said I wasit just confuses people, she says.
Like, as if I dont have a vagina.
Recently she met a man at a friends birthday dinner.
Just from that brief meeting, I thought, I have something I didnt know I did.
Shed like to find him, so consider this a missed connection: Are you this man?
What [being in love] does for your spiritits nothing to take lightly, she says.
I still believe if Im just true to myself, that person will come into my life one day.
It’s the first time I have hope.
And I could have never said that in my life before.
She has other ambitions too.
But the work has also forced her to confront the career she more or less left behind.
I had to realize I do love acting, Blair says.
I really would love an amazing director to ever think theres something for me.
And because I wasn’t a huge star, no one came looking.
But she has noticed that she deals with less dysphonia if she knows exactly what she wants to say.
She could memorize lines, she thinks.
I think thats the key with everything, she says.
She is finding her footing, she continues.
I have such a fucking determination.
In 2022 she also signed on as chief creative officer of Guide Beauty, which creates accessible beauty tools.
The new clothes incorporate access-oriented elements like magnetic closures and pants fitted for wheelchair users.
She tells me she is in love with what she and Mizrahi have made.
Disability does not seem escapist, she says.
But I love clothes.
I love pretty people doing pretty things.
Doesnt the disability community deserve fashion with a capital F?
How do we do the things that are the things we talk about with each other every day?
Thats the light stuff.
She sees it as her task to fight for the lighter things for people too.
Its not, Oh, clothes, whatever, she says.
Its like, No, thats how I feel comfortable.
I love that stuff.
She did it with supervision, in a safe environment.
The process ultimately amazed her.
It made me think, Oh God, theres room for joy.
I could learn to build joy here.
And then theres the latterher desires, the future.
She has her activism, her son, and her goals.
Spending time with Arthur, who has the empathy of a saint, is a particular pleasure.
You better see both, people!
After all this, did Selma Blair ever think shed findgratitude?
Life is wild, she says, with a laugh.
Im glad I stuck in there.
