In 2023 actor Sophia Bush made headlines when she filed for divorce one year after a storybook wedding.
By the fall it was public knowledge that she was in a new relationship.
In April of 2022 I was close to calling off my wedding.
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When I saw it, I felt the blood drain from my face.
Fans and friends were telling me how exciting this milestone was and how happy I looked.
Things hadnt been easy at home, but everyone says marriage is hard, right?
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It was a black-and-white photograph of us running away from the camera.
Yes, I see the bittersweet irony now.
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I wrote a really nice story about the people in that picture.
Except it was just that: a story.
Make it look perfect.
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But sometimes broken is just broken.
And then I walked into the bathroom and threw up.
This time things felt different.
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Maybe its just cold feet, I told myself.
Maybe I was too sensitive.
This was one of them, but I didnt listen.
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I kept repeating the adages we all know so well: Relationships are hard.
You know the rest.
And so I got married.
We threw one of the greatest wedding weekends ever.
We had an amazing time with our closest friends and family.
I dont regret any of that.
Six months into that journey, I think I knew deep down that I absolutely had made a mistake.
It would take my head and heart a while longer to understand what my bones already knew.
I had to get out of our house.
I had to get onstage.
I had to get back in my body.
Maybe that could shift things.
Maybe that would jump-start the joy Id been chasing.
The play slowly began to put me back together.
It was grueling, and it was also the most exhilarating experience.
I loved every second of it.
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But the book doesnt lie.
The body does, in fact, keep the score.
When half of our company went down with a virus, everyone recovered fast except for me.
I continued to decline.
It was clear that my body wasscreamingand I had to listen.
It was hard for me to accept.
I was part of a team.
My time in London was over.
So was my marriage.
It all came crashing down at once.
During the summer of 2023, I moved back into my empty home in LA.
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We really wrapped one another up in support.
It was tragic and hard.
But it was also beautiful.
There were moments of incredible sadness because no one signs up to get married thinking itll end.
The days when we knew people needed to laugh, we sent inspirational memes and silly TikToks.
We read books written by great therapists and shared emo quotes from poets.
I didnt expect to find love in this support system.
I dont know how else to say it other than: I didnt see it until I saw it.
What I saw was a friend with her big, happy life.
And now I know she thought the same thing about me.
In hindsight, maybe it all had to happen slowly and then suddenly all at once.
Maybe it was all fated.
Maybe it really is a version of invisible string theory.
I dont really know.
But there was a lot that quickly turned ugly too.
There were blatant lies.
There wereaccusations of being a home-wrecker.
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Its painful to be doing deep work and have it picked apart by clueless strangers.
Everyone that matters to me knows whats true and what isnt.
No, thank you.
Ill spend my precious time doing things I love instead.
And now I get to love her.
How lucky am I?
I sort of hate the notion of having tocome outin 2024.
I think Ive always known that my sexuality exists on a spectrum.
Right now I thinkthe word that best defines it isqueer.
I cant say it without smiling, actually.
And that feels pretty great.
I am so lucky to be here, now.
I have real joy.
It took me 41 years to get here.
I really love who I am, at this age and in this moment.
I know it could have gone differently.
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I am so lucky to be here, now.
I have real joy.
It took me 41 years to get here.
And while I marvel at it, I will also make space for peoples pain.
But I will not carry anyones projected shame.
I mean, your daughter isntgay.
And you know what my mom said?
Oh honey, I think shes pretty gay.
I finally feel like I can breathe.
I don’t think I can explain how profound that is.
I feel like I was wearing a weighted vest for who knows how long.
I hadnt realized how heavy it was until I finally just put it down.
This might sound crazybut I think other people in trauma recovery will get itI am taking deep breaths again.
I can feel my legs and feet.
I can feel my feet in my shoes right now.
It makes me want to cry and laugh at the same time.
It is so, so scary to do the brave thing, to say, Im just not happy.
Especially if youre in a partnership and you have to say it first.
But if you do it, you get the chance to be happy.
To find your joy.
I feel like this is my first birthday, I told her.
This year was my very first birthday.
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