Its insane, she says.
And right now I cant, cant touch them physically, mentally, spiritually, if I wanted to.
My husband and I have been trying to have a child since 2018.
We were sent to a fertility specialist after trying for a year and being unsuccessful.
The disconnect was insane.
And I was like, You know what?
Abbey Crain
I can’t do this at the same time.
I cant do it.
I stopped writing altogether and pivoted to other jobs in my newsroom.
Abbey Crain
Then, that summer I did two rounds of IVF that were unsuccessful.
Often, its all-consuming.
Its full of grief, its full of hope, its full of pain.
When thats where youre at, thats everything in your mind.
Youre dreaming, youre planning.
Then trying to tell myself I need to not focus on this.
I need to put something else first so I dont think about it.
I have been through war with my body.
Ive been through an unmedicated egg retrieval, which was terrible.
Theres been the weight gain.
Theres been the emotional side.
Its not fun, and its extremely expensive.
My last retrieval was in the fall, and we hadnt scheduled an embryo implantation date yet.
We were waiting for life stuff to align.
I literally saw the news about the hospital pausing treatment on an Instagram post this week.
I was like, Wait, hold on.
I went to my husband, Colby, and I showed him it, and burst into tears.
In every stage of this journey, Ive been hopeful and emotional, and full of yearning.
And then other times Ive had to put it away, put one foot in front of the other.
Thats how I was when the ruling came, but hearing the news about our fertility clinic opened everything.
I was so angry.
Thats where my mind went.
After all of this, its come for me.
So many women have been feeling this.
So many people with a uterus have been feeling this, that their literal rights are being stripped away.
Its not just theory anymore.
They cant have an abortion.
They cant have their miscarriage managed in the way they want to.
And its not the doctors decision.
Its not their partners decision.
Its not their decision.
When I found out, I called my best friend Sarah.
Should we protest in front of this mans house?
Or would it be enough to simply tell my story, how I want to?
Im still a journalist.
I want to channel my rage into something, because otherwise I feel like Im going to explode.
And then they used the SouthMississippito ban it for everybody two, three, years later.
Thats the most recent thing, but this has happened all the time.
I want people to know that were not backwoods blood-red states who should get what they deserve.
They just might not have a Confederate flag flying in front of their house.
And right now I cant, cant touch them physically, mentally, spiritually, if I wanted to.
I think there are a lot of people saying that pausing IVF wasnt the intended purpose of this ruling.
Were in the legislative session.
But if that wasnt the intended purpose, then why did they let it pass?
I want them to look me in my eyes and tell me where the line is.
Not just the legislature, but people who believe in this stuff.
I want people to know that these are peoples lives youre messing with.
As far as next steps for my embryos, I cant even go there yet.
I am just mad.
Im hung up on the anger.
I dont care if they remedy this in a week.
You have messed with thousands of dollars of medication for people.
I thank God that I wasnt actively on medication and my appointment wasnt changed.
I cant imagine what those folks are going through and you cant take that back.
Even if they do remedy this, you cant just move on business-as-usual because that happened.
Thats what Black reproductive folks have been saying, that its inevitable.
Its like we took a peek behind Oz when we saw what they really wanted, which is control.
These embryos are five years worth of money, stress, sadness, hope, yearning.
I just want to be a mom.
You are actively keeping me from being a mother and I dont care if you fix it.
Youre going to lie in the mess youve made.
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Stephanie McNeal is a senior editor atGlamourand the authorofSwipe Up for More!
Inside the Unfiltered Lives of Influencers.
