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Design by Channing Smith
No sugarcoating here; lets slice right to the wedding cake of truth.
To my dear friends, cherished family, and maybe even future friendsconsider the bouquet tossed.
Spare me from future bridal-party pleas.
Photography By Hannah Whitaker
I adore you all, and I mean it when I say Id do almost anything for you.
But one more stint in a satin dress?
Thats where I draw the line.
Lets not misunderstand my intentions hereI’m not here to bash the whole bridesmaid gig.
Im here to represent the other 5%, the unsung heroes of bridesmaid-dom.
The ones who grin and bear it while watching their hard-earned money and sanity take a nosedive.
Im here to say on our collective behalf: Were done.
Consider this letter the ultimate strategic movea way to consolidate countless future awkward nos into one resounding NO.
Let us be the spectators once and for all.
In theory, you should want to be there, to share in their joy and support their union.
Replying Yes, of course!
to the seemingly simple but undeniably loaded question Will you be my bridesmaid?
is often a no-win proposition.
And Im not afraid to be honest about it anymore.
Lets start with a gripe most people can understand:money.
I rent my own small apartment in New York City.
Why should I shell out the cost of a small country’s GDP to cheer on your love story?
But trust me, it could have been more.
So I’d ballpark that I saved myself another $4,000 or so.
Now, I can hear some of you thinking, Three weddings?
And youre spot-on; especially for many of you, thats just the tip of the wedding iceberg.
I’ve had just the taste I needed.
And while money does talk, its not giving a solo performance in this decision of mine.
And I know Im not alone in thateven among you bridesmaids who claim to love the whole experience.
But cant you just say no to things?
Well, yes, and I have.
But heres the thing: Its uncomfortable as hell.
Its a strategic dance, a carefully choreographed balancing act that requires finesse.
Its here Id like to pause and offer some context.
Weddings are big deals in my life.
Weve got the telosh, a two-day prewedding extravaganza during which the grooms family showers the bride with gifts.
Then comes the multi-hour church ceremony, culminating in a grand reception.
And thats not all!
Its a marathon of jubilation, but also a lot of time, energy, and money.
Toss in my adolescence spent in North Carolina, where Southern traditions are impossible to shake.
Can you imagine the expectations for my own wedding I had growing up?
After experiencing the trilogy of weddings, I’ve had a revelation: I want none of it.
First, lets talk about thedresses.
Who even dreamed up these matching disasters?
Its safe to say, bride, I wont be donning these outfits ever again.
Let me wear what I want to your wedding!
Did I feel like Id time-traveled back to my elementary school days with those flutter sleeves?
Maybe, but hey, bridesmaid solidarity.
The next bride aimed to find a dress that would be flattering for diverse body shapes and styles.
We all fell in love with a burnt orange sleeveless chiffon gown with a scoop neckline.
Finally, a bride who seemed to have cracked the code!
Naturally, none of us dared to question her decision.
Instead we summoned our inner martyrs, swiped those cards, and kept our bruised fashion egos on mute.
And then theres every bridesmaids tale of the dress that cost an arm and a leg.
Mine happened to be my cousins traditional Ethiopian habesha kemis.
It was practically begging for a What I Asked for Versus What I Got feature on The Shade Room.
And lets not forget the alterations that set me back an extra $100.
Needless to say, I have not worn it since.
Theyve become multiday getaways, often requiring flights.
The financial and time commitments were just the start.
The endless group chats, Splitwise requests, and coordination on top of my 9-to-5 job drained me.
There was also a note about hair preference.
I remembered from a previous conversation that slicked-back hair, ponytails, and protective stylesi.e., braids/twists/locswere not permitted.
I wish I had known at the time what my best friend was thinking.
If anyone understands the complexities and sensitivity of the Black hair journey, its her.
We went through it together during our years as undergrads.
It was a deeply personal blow I hadnt anticipated.
So why not say no to being a bridesmaid and avoid these types of situations entirely?
While these values are crucial, they shouldnt require a hefty price tag or emotional warfare.
But heres the twist: Being asked to be a bridesmaid isnt an unbreakable spell.Youcansay no.
Brides, how about giving your friends the freedom to support you in their own way?
All I can hope for is that my friends and family will understand my perspective.
I want to be the friend who shows up with unwavering honesty without compromising my peace.
Spare me future inquiries; yes, this implies I wont have bridesmaids when my big day arrives.
Heres to me, hanging up my bridesmaid sash in my prime.Xo,Ru
