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Not all relationships lastsome are more of the learning love kind.
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Butbreakups are rarely easy.
As a sex therapist and relationship expert turned neuroscientist, I often hear from people who regret breaking up.
Regret is part of grieving, and as I like to say, breakdown often means breakthrough.
But its not necessarily about the other person.
Sometimes its just about the fact that it feels nice to be in a relationship.
Do some accounting for yourself.
Reflect onwhyyou have regrets and whats driving this desire toget back together with your ex.
Am I overstepping boundaries theyve set with me?
Am I doing something that may be emotionally painful for them?
How can I do this if Im going to proceed in a way that is respectful?
This too shall pass.
The most respectful way to proceed, in truth, is to do the work on yourself firstafter heartbreak.
Longer answer: We tend to think about loss in the same way we ruminate about new relationships.
We are creatures of attachment, and loss looms large for us.
Its normal, in other words, to regret breaking upeven if youre the one who did the dumping.
How to handle breakup regrets
Ask yourself these questions: Was breaking up an in-the-moment decision?
Or was it brewing for a longer time?
Is life better after the breakup?
Was the relationship not working because the partner was not treating you properly?
How did they see you reflected in the relationship?
Then you go running back to the ex, and the same problems persist.
After you write everything down, give it some timetwo weeks at least, she saysbefore contacting them.
You may find your perspective has changed in that time.
If youre still searching for clarity, look back.
Were there any signs or symptoms of an unhealthy ortoxic relationship?
Without assigning blame, see what dynamics led to your relationship dissatisfaction and influenced your decision to leave.
Were you or your partner judgmental?
Did you not give each other the benefit of the doubt?
Did you not appropriately take a stand for what you needed in the relationship?
Take full responsibility for your part of the dance.
Thats great news, since that means we can change things for ourselves going forward.
Its perfectly natural to have regrets even if you know the breakup is the best thing for you.
Recognize that what youre feeling is normal and doesnt necessarily mean you made the wrong decision.
Dont beat yourself up.
This is a good time to practice radical acceptance.
In general, are you an anxious person who tends to self-doubt?
Or, if youre being completely honest, do you see a pattern repeating across your past relationships?
Do you tend to make decisions from insecurities or fears?
Have a look at some of theserelationship skillsthat people who do relationships effectively practice.
The good news is that these skills can be learned.
It’s a guaranteed way to escalate any existing problems.
See if you’re able to find a way to let go with love.
Just saying, I miss you or Ive been thinking about you is very confusing to both parties.
Theres no clear action from that.
Would you be open to meeting up to talk about possible reconciliation or exploring this again?
Being really transparent is important so everyones aware of what this reach-out actually means.
However, you still need to respect where the other party is emotionally.
You dont want to push or pressure people in a way that makes them uncomfortable.
You have to be respectful of their agency.
you’re free to send the letter (or not).
